Preschoolers in Quarantine: Getting Through Heightened Highs and Lowered Lows

You know the feeling as well as your children do: the novelty has worn off. It’s the new normal, but it’s not really new, and neither is it normal. 

It might be a little fun sometimes.

It also might hurt like hell. 

It will definitely keep us on Zoom.

We, adults, commiserate over our video apps with smiles of disbelief and gestures of what-even-is-time?! But how do we tend to just such an existential crisis in someone who was literally just learning what, exactly, time is?

Like most things about preschoolers, we can’t change the feelings and behaviors that will arise as we shelter in place, but we can contextualize them, find meaningful ways to meet children’s underlying needs, and learn to move together through times of discomfort. 

Early childhood is a time of high highs and low lows. In the pandemic, those highs are heightened and the lows are lowered. And that can be a lot to recognize, let alone “handle,” amid all this ambient strife. Parents are reporting all kinds of moods, feelings, and behaviors in their children during social-distancing. Let’s start with those that are developmental responses to transition and change. This includes reversals and regressions. Preschoolers who lived for their regular walks to the park might take to staying at home, seeming unmotivated or even reticent about going out. Some children who were already skilled in using the toilet might begin having accidents again. Others hit, kick, or otherwise cajole their parents and siblings. Tantrums spring fully formed from the bodies of children who were just snuggling up for their nap. 

Frustration abounds, but these behaviors are typical expressions of children coping with change and transition. Similar behaviors arise in all kinds of scenarios, from a new baby in the family or the change to a “big kid” bed. Even something as small as an unusually rushed morning or a parent working late can trigger big feelings in children who are hardwired to seek out consistency and experiment with boundaries as a way of making sense of the world. So it’s only natural that when the whole work is now in flux, children’s sense-making is harder than ever. 

Developmentally, young children are still learning to recognize, let alone name, their emotions. And in a time when adults are feeling more emotionally frazzled than ever before, this is an even harder time for children who are just learning to distinguish themselves from their families and develop a social identity. The behaviors might be related to the toilet, eating lunch, or sibling rivalry, but the cause is the baseline feeling of missing the people, places, and things that make up a young child’s whole world. What adults understand as on pause is, in the mind of a young child, potentially gone forever. That stark shift in reality can lead children to wonder, even unconsciously, what else can stop, change, or disappear on a dime.

As caregivers, it helps to remember that what helps us move meaningfully through struggle is a mindset and not a mission parents and caregivers must complete before self-destruction. Our ability to be reflective in times of disequilibrium is what will get us and our children through not just this hard time but the next, and the next, and the next. We have to remember that as hard as it is to see children struggle, they are learning alongside us how to adapt, think creatively, and persevere.

In order to deal with challenges and transitions of any kind, young children need a foundational sense of belonging, connection, and security. These are things we all need, but children especially need to feel these as a prerequisite to their development of self-regulation, cognitive skills, and identity. At the most literal level, we can meet some of their needs in the pandemic by assuring them we are as safe as possible: “Yes, there are germs in our city that can make people very sick, but we are staying home and washing our hands to take care of ourselves and other people. We are working on staying safe together.” 

Emotionally, children will need continued reassurance that although things have changed, our feelings about them are valid, and we still have things to look forward to: “You are really missing the swings at school. The swings were a special part of your day when we said goodbye there every morning. I miss that, too. Would you like to draw a picture of them? Maybe we can make a list of things we’d like to do when we can.”

It’s hard, and it will keep being hard, but growth and learning always are. Keep in mind that for adults and children alike, the work we do to become more fully ourselves is the most important work there is. Let’s examine who we are right now, as a family or a class, or as people in our community, and reimagine the possibilities: 

Are we people with big emotions and the sensitivity to feel when things are not right in the world? Yes, and maybe we are also people who give ourselves a break, who have a dance party when they are feeling low, or take space to be alone and tend gently to our thoughts and feelings. 

Are we people who need to connect with our friends and family to feel whole? Yes, and we can do that in ways we’ve never tried before, through letters, games - through a window if we have to.

Are we people who experience grief or frustration when we lose our sense of control? Yes, and we can empower ourselves in small ways, choosing a special outfit each day or deciding from two options what to play with while Mom and Dad are working. 

None of these choices are about producing more, doing things “right,” or even making “the most” of our time at home. Young children are learning how to live in real-time alongside us. The way we navigate hardship will teach our children far more than any Zoom call. Do it with gentleness, clarity, and care. Do it together.