Ask NML: Why Doesn't My Preschooler Want To Do This Learning Activity?

Illustration by A., age 3.

Ask NML is an exercise in thinking reflectively about real situations that arise when living alongside young children. But hey, every family or classroom situation is unique in ways that can’t be accounted for in a simple question or a 500-word answer. This article should be viewed as an example of reflective thinking about teaching, learning, and living alongside young children. 

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Q:

I have some educational things that my three-year-old daughter is only interested in doing once and then doesn’t ever want to do them again. Most of them are right where she is at developmentally. For example, the Hundred Board from Montessori. I pulled out numbers 1-30 because I know she can ID most of them already and can count above 30. She was really excited and loved putting them in order once and now doesn’t want anything to do with it. I had to help her through a tricky part twice, so it is not like it is easy for her. It’s the same for other things like puzzles of words and pictures, etc. What is up with that? As an educator, this stumps me. These things challenge her but are not too hard. They seem to be right at her level. She loves them the first time and giggles as she does them. Then wants nothing to do with them the next day. As a former Montessori teacher do you have any thoughts on why she does this?

A:

Your question is a common one and likely one shared by many parents who have been homeschooling during the pandemic. A related question might be, why isn’t my child interested in learning at home the way they are at school? I will give two answers, one being specific to your situation and another meta-answer that every parent and teacher should consider.

I would say this scenario is really about how the expectations of adults intersect with the developmental and personality-based behaviors of children. In this case, the parent wants what every parent wants: to know their child is learning, capable, and will become a person who takes on and moves through challenges. It sounds like this child not only knows numbers and how to use this learning tool with a little scaffolding...but also finds this activity uninteresting beyond the first go-round. 

Good news! The things children are not interested in can often give us valuable insight into their interests and development - maybe even more so than things they seem eager to do again and again. I would hazard a guess that this child has plenty of opportunities to use numbers/play with numeracy. In my experience, it is often the case that children who get a lot of certain experiences in one part of their day will avoid it more in the others. So, a child who goes to a skills-based or “academic” childcare program will sometimes avoid activities based on numbers/letters at home, gravitating instead toward drawing, physical or imaginative play, etc., and vice versa. As long as you have a sense of what experiences are offered throughout a child’s day, you can take that situational disengagement in certain activities as a sign that those needs have been met for the time being. Continual avoidance of certain activities is a different issue for another day, but I’d rather see a young child with well-rounded comfort in many things than the kind of academic diligence we expect from an elementary-age child. The more un-pressured comfort children feel with a wide array of concepts and experiences, the better equipped they will be to make connections and draw from all those skills with more sophistication later on.

In this specific circumstance, where your child was interested in the Hundred Board once and then not again, I would also reason that while your child does have a foundational understanding of the numerals, the activity itself is a little too rote and abstract to be of interest. As a past-life Montessorian, I’d suggest the Hundred Board for a child closer to 5 (or a child who is particularly fascinated with numerals) and probably introduce it like, “OMG, you know so many numerals! But do you think you can even do this whole thing!?!?” Five-year-olds love to be “challenged” to show their skills because, developmentally, they are learning to be independent doers in the world. Plus, an older child would naturally find more delight and meaning in noticing the patterns that emerge as the board gets filled. Three-year-olds, on the other hand, love to do things that make them feel connected to others, parents most of all. Threes are all about the sense of security they feel through belonging and the power they feel by testing those secure connections. So your child probably loved that first experience of playing with you, using something special together, and seeing how proud you likely were that they could do it. The Hundred Board has got nothing on that special time you! 

So, while your child is not performing learning in the way you expected, they are demonstrating their numerical and social-emotional competence in a developmentally appropriate, intuitive way. It’s our job to learn to read their signs and become literate in the individual growth of the children in our care. A more successful strategy for developing numeracy with your three-year-old might look like engaging your child in the daily life of your family. Can you count how many eggs we have to make our cake with? Can you write that down for me with marks, tallies, or numerals? How many chairs do we have for everyone to sit in for dinner? Is that enough for everyone? As simple as these ideas sound, they will not only give your child a more concrete sense of numbers but connect them meaningfully to what matters most to them - being a vital member of your family 

For now, I’d suggest you leave The Hundred Board in a place where your child could choose it again when the whim strikes and rest easy knowing that not only does your child like counting, but they really, really love you. 

But let’s zoom out a bit to think about the universal scenario represented here. This is the age-old question of whether a child who isn’t performing learning in the way we expect has lost the desire or ability to learn. 

When young children’s behaviors puzzle us, the best course of action is usually to examine our own motives and expectations. Whether as classroom teachers or parents at home, it always helps to look at our own personal contexts of school and learning. Most of us old enough to be teachers and parents were educated in traditional school settings with a shared set of norms regarding how students should perform learning. Think back. For whom did we show learning? Teachers, parents, and perhaps even our peers. We also performed on standardized tests for the state. The basic idea of achievement was put to us as an extrinsic ideal, “having something to show for” what you have learned (or, on a baser level, the resources spent on you by others). This all, of course, was within an education system based on the belief that learning = memorizing and repeating things said by adults. Is this the kind of learning we believe in and want to perpetuate? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. We all carry different values into our lives with children, but reflecting on where those perspectives come from is crucial to making our lives with children meaningful and resonant.