Practice, Not Magic: Conflict Resolution

Practice, Not Magic is a series of posts about the practical aspects of living alongside young children. Focusing on one vignette, we can parse out the developmental from the situational and how to think through common dilemmas faced by parents, teachers, cool aunts, chosen family, et al. The principles below can be adapted for either home or the classroom, but are a guide for thinking, not a prescription.

Issue to work through: Two children are struggling over an object or toy, perhaps yelling, pushing, crying, or grabbing things away.

Potential cause of behavior: A mismatch between the children’s respective self-regulation and perspective-taking skills.

We, as adults, use our vast experiences to predict outcomes, calm ourselves when challenged, and adapt. We likewise seek to use these skills to support the children who depend on us to meet their needs. But what happens when a child is challenged by another child? Many children, especially only children, who enter school for the first time are shocked to find their peers do not anticipate their needs or intuit their desires. Many, in fact, sometimes seem to do the opposite by thwarting precious game-play and threatening the sublime experience of “my shovel” or “my Ninjago.” Conflicts commonly arise between children when it comes to the negotiation of resources. For our purposes, “resources” means anything the child sees as valuable, including toys, food, interesting objects, or even attention from others. Because children learn foremost through their own lived experience and their concept of time is in flux, it can be difficult to understand what is forever versus right now, mine versus yours, limited versus unlimited. Similarly, when children entrenched in their play have a hard time pausing, feelings of inherent scarcity can overwhelm children who are still developing a sense of what they can expect from the people and world around them. An even bigger complication lies in the likelihood that children will resort to yelling or hitting to solve the problem, often eliciting a similar reaction from the other party. Both children are still developing the impulse control necessary to constructively move through the interaction. It’s important to remember that children are still developing empathy, meaning they really might not understand what it means for a person outside of themselves to be hurt emotionally or physically. Toddlers especially have just grown past the point where touch and crying were their main modes of communication. They need practice in socially-appropriate strategies for being with others. Both children in conflict are still developing the perspective-taking skills required to find solutions that work for everyone. While we can’t expedite the children’s development then and there, our job is to help the children successfully practice these skills for long-term success.  

Possible Solution: Take the children aside, away from the site of tension. Let the children know you will hold the object to keep it safe while they make a plan (not take it away). Calmly make space for both perspectives to be heard. Echo back what you understand to model clarification and active listening. Help illuminate misunderstandings, validate emotions, and ask questions that move the conversation forward. Ask how we can make a plan that works for everyone. It can be surprising to see how the children's solutions are not what we would imagine but give them the power to see it through.  

By staying calm, reserving judgment, and being intentional listeners of the children, we can help deconstruct conflicts in a way that pays off in self-regulation dividends. Children need time, space, and thoughtful facilitation to think through problems together. If we adults act as neutral supporters of the children, we can disarm the situation. Rushing to “fix” the problem heightens the emotions and causes the children involved to double down on their perspective out of increased insecurity. We can step in, of course, to keep children safe and be clear that hurting others is not okay. What’s most effective early is it emphasizes what works for getting our needs met and what doesn’t. Making a plan together works.

What this solution might sound like:

Child 1: I was using that shovel!

Child 2: (pulls shovel close to body) I am using it!

Child 1: (lip quivering, tears filling eyes, reaches to grab the shovel) No! I was uuuussing it!

Child 2: (swipes at oncoming hand)

Child 1: (swipes back)

Micah: (calmly comes to children, puts a hand out to stop the hitting) Pause your body. What is happening?

Child 1: I was using that shovel!

Child 2: No, I was using it! It was on the ground!

Micah: You are both trying to use this shovel.

Child 1: (crying) No, it’s mine!

Micah: It seems like you are both really upset. Let’s find a space to calm our bodies and make a plan.

(in a calmer, hopefully quieter space)

Micah: (stating clear expectations and eliminating worry over being unheard) You might put your hand on your stomach and take a deep breath. We are going to hear all the parts of what happened. Child 1 will say all of the parts of what they remember and then Child 2 will say all the parts of what they remember. We will listen to all the parts. Then we will make a plan.

Child 1: I was using the shovel and Child 2 wouldn’t let me have it. I tried to get it and they said no.

Micah: What was happening when Child 2 got the shovel?

Child 1: I went to the bathroom.

Micah: Ah, so you were using a shovel and then went to the bathroom. When you came back Child 2 had the shovel you were using before.

Child 1: (cries) Yes!

Micah: What happened next?

Child 1: I tried to get it.

Micah: With words or with your body?

Child 1: With my body and my words.

Micah: Ah, it sounds like something didn’t work.

Micah: Now we are going to hear all the parts Child 2 remembers.

Child 2: I was digging and Child 1 came to take the shovel. They hit me.

Micah: How did the hitting part make you feel?

Child 2: Sad.

Micah: You felt sad. Is your body okay? (Child 2 nods) Did you know that Child 1 was using the shovel and then went to the bathroom?

Child 2: No. The shovel was on the floor.

Micah: (modeling gathering and integrating new information) Oh! You did not know about that part. So I hear that Child 1 was using a shovel to dig. Then they went to the bathroom. Child 2 found the shovel and saw that no one was using it then. Child 1 came back and really wanted the shovel back. Then the hitting parts came. (models thinking) Child 2, did the hitting part make you want to give the shovel to Child 1?

Child 2: No.

Micah: Ah, so the hitting does not work. It can also hurt the people. Child 1, how can you give the information about the shovel to Child 1 with words?

Child 1: I want the shovel, I was using it. Can I have it back?

Micah: You might also remind them that you went to the bathroom. They did not know.

Child 1: I was in the bathroom. I was coming back.

Child 2: I am using it still.

Micah: Hm, Child 2, what plan would work for you?

Child 2: You can have it when I am done.

Child 1: That’s too long!

Micah: Child 2, will you be playing with this for so long?

Child 2: No.

Micah: Okay, so can you tell Child 1 when the shovel is available?

Child 2: Yes.

Micah: Does that work for you Child 1? Child 2 will come find you when they are finished?

Child 1: You can have it. I’m done.

Micah: (allowing space for the child to be ambivalent/tired but reinforcing follow-through of plan) Okay, but maybe Child 1 can check in and see if you still want it when they’re done anyway.

Child 1: Okay.

Micah: (emphasizing what skills and strategies matter most) Now we have a plan. Our bodies are calm and we heard all the information from words. That worked.