Ask NML: Siblings In A Crisis of Confidence?

illustration by A., Age 4

Ask NML is an exercise in thinking reflectively about real situations that arise when living alongside young children. But hey, every family or classroom situation is unique in ways that can’t be accounted for in a simple question or a 500-word answer. This article should be viewed as an example of reflective thinking about teaching, learning, and living alongside young children. It is not a substitute for expertise from a doctor, therapist, or other specialist and all answers should be viewed as hypothetical. 

Submit questions about teaching, parenting, or living alongside young children here.

Q:

I have two beautiful, creative, smart, and athletic girls, ages 5 and 8, but they surprise me with their negative talk. The younger one complains that the other kids at daycare hate her and has called herself dumb and ugly (to which I respond, “No one says that about my daughter, including my daughter.”) The older claims the five-year-old is my favorite and says that I love her more, especially when I compliment the 5. They both tattle and are so quick to compare themselves to others. I don’t remember experiencing this with my own siblings...what gives?

A:

It can be so hard to navigate the murky waters of other people’s feelings, especially the children in our care. We wonder, where did these feelings come from? What, or who, is responsible for them? Have the choices I’ve made as a caregiver caused them? Am I now responsible for fixing them? 

How do we answer the unanswerable questions life as a caregiver seems to bring us?

Maybe we can’t. What we can do is be a supporter and a model for how to move through them. 

I don’t know the details of your family’s situation, only that there seems to be a pattern of big feelings and you providing emotional reassurance of some kind for both children. Children test all kinds of boundaries and strategies, including emotional ones. That’s okay. They have to. It’s how they learn and make meaning about themselves and what to expect from others going forward. 

Below are some general thoughts about how you might proceed in order to break the cycle of constant reassurance, support them to think critically and move through hard feelings while still showing up for them as a loving, supportive parent

In the moment: remain neutral but loving so that you give them room to have feelings without igniting more. Start with gathering information and providing a framework for the children to deconstruct the situation for themselves. 

“Why do you say that?”

“What makes you think the other children don’t like you?”

“How do you respond when that happens?”

“What do you wish would happen?”

“You are really upset with your sister. What words can you give to let her know?” 

Questions like these can support children in developing problem-solving habits, but, just as importantly, they let children know that we trust them to come to useful, healthy conclusions. The more we practice being confident in the abilities of our children through action, not praise, the more opportunities we give them to rise to the occasion.

When you get a breather, take some time to remind yourself - what’s most important to you about this situation? Maybe your most pressing concern is getting some peace between the members of your family or making sure your child is safe and happy at school. Of course. But try thinking in terms of your vision for your family. Do you hope your children will always feel unwavering pride and confidence? Is it vital that each family member handle problems independently? Knowing what it is you wish to instill in your life together can help you respond in ways that will help realize that vision. The more clarity you have about your own values ahead of time, the more effectively you can navigate these situations as they arise.