Ask NML: Typical Three-Year-Old Or Future Bully?

Illustration by Alexi A., Age 4

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Q:

How do you deal with a stubborn child who hits other children, gets into everything, and cries for every and any thing? Age three, I’m terrified I’m raising a bully.

A:

Let’s pause for a second, right at the word bully. Unless your child is so cognitively advanced that they can premeditate and repeatedly target specific people with the intention to hurt or gain some kind of social standing, they are not a bully. I am sure your child has many gifts, but I’m equally sure this isn’t one of them. All young children’s behaviors have a root cause linked to a developmental need, not a character failing. From this brief description, it sounds like your child is engaged in behaviors typical of their age, mainly boundary-testing, experimenting with social interaction, and finding varied ways of communicating their wants and needs - all while still learning to control their impulses. This can all be further complicated by the many variables of life: schedules, sleep changes, the impact and reactions of siblings or peers, etc.

The fact that you are thoughtful enough as a parent to examine these behaviors leads me to believe your child will be fine - but I know this developmental moment can be frustrating to the point of bleakness for those tasked with guiding a child through it. Sometimes, our own fears about our capability as parents or caretakers can overwhelm our sense of perspective, making it all the harder for us to see the children or their behavior for who and what they really are. Fear of our own inadequacy leads us to believe our challenges are bigger than we can cope with or, even worse, permanent. But neither of these things is true. Those are just the sort of lies fear tells. The more we believe those lies, the easier it is to reinforce them, and see more evidence of their truth in every difficult moment. But the good news is that, with a little faith in ourselves and the children, we can learn to give power to a more manageable moment instead of that false future. And children and adults alike can handle a collection of moments much more successfully than the whole of our futures.

So, how to manage those moments?

Being three is all about personal power and the new possibilities that open up as children start to realize an identity separate from their caregivers and capable of getting all kinds of reactions from their environment. The reactions children get from others are an amazing part of a complex puzzle they must solve. Hmmm, when I knock this glass of water off the table, mom and dad scramble for a towel...The cookies are on this counter, why haven’t I ever just climbed in there to get them myself?... If I push those kids over they let go of the shovel I need for my game...

It feels personal, but it’s not personal. The child’s job is to test and figure out what works.

Our job as supportive adults is to guide children toward what works in our context, our family, and our community. We can deal with these powerful behaviors by deconstructing them and re-framing the situation for the child. Here are some examples of what that might sound like:

“Pause. You are hitting her. You want the shovel but hitting doesn’t work. Words work. Try again with words.”

“You want to have the cookie, but you are yelling at me. Yelling is too hard for me to listen to. Try again in your regular voice.”

“We always clean up after we use the crayons. You want to go outside. We will go outside after we clean up. Everything else is stopping until we clean up.”

The more consistent you and your child’s caregivers are in responding to these behaviors with calm clarity, the more successfully your child will adapt to these boundaries. For me, staying as consistent as I can is the hardest but most crucial part. There are always new behaviors to work through, but I try to keep in mind that I am not exempt from the learning. If we want children to develop the emotional stamina to control their impulses and move through discomfort, then we have to learn to do so right alongside them.

We can do this. You can do this.